AVBOB | File Of Life

ANNEXURE 6 HELPING YOURSELF AND OTHERS THROUGH GRIEF AND LOSS The death of a loved one is one of life’s most challenging experiences. We all experience feelings of intense and frightening emotions, including shock, grief, anger, loss of security, denial, depression and many other emotions when losing someone through death or a relationship that ends. It is common to feel overwhelmed following a loss. To relieve your own pain or to find the right words to comfort and to lessen another bereaved person’s pain is tough. Don’t let your own feelings of discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. While you can’t take away the other person’s pain related to the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support. You might not know exactly what to say or do. You don’t need to have answers or give advice. The most important thing you can do for the bereaved person is to simply be there. What you need to know about bereavement and grief:  The loss of a loved one is a shock that can cause a physical reaction (shortness of breath, lack of energy, dry mouth, headaches and other symptoms); emotional trauma (sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness, guilt and other reactions); behavioural changes (sleep and eating disturbances, crying and social withdrawal); and memory problems (Botes, 2011)  According to Kübler-Ross (1969), the majority of people go through the following phases of grief, namely denial, anger, depression and, lastly, acceptance.  Grief is a normal, natural response to loss. Each person has a natural capacity to heal, which can take up to one year and longer. Their loved ones should afford them this opportunity. Just be there for the bereaved person, because your support and caring presence will contribute towards the other person’s coping and healing. Follow these guidelines:  Allow the person to tell his/her story. Listen with attention and compassion. The bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged and that the loved one will not be forgotten. Allow these persons to tell their story over and over again, to express feelings and to work through the pain. With each retelling, the pain lessens.  Acknowledge and accept the situation and all feelings. I heard that your ........... passed away/died. Let the bereaved person know it is okay to cry in front of you, to get angry or express any feelings. The bereaved person should feel free to express their feelings without fear of judgment, argument or criticism. If needed, reflect on what you heard and acknowledge the intensity of the feelings. You can also express concern. “I am sorry to hear about what happened to you!”  Be genuine/congruent in your communication. Let the person know you care. “I want you to know that I care!”  Be willing to sit in silence. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say just offer eye contact or a reassuring hug.  According to Botes (2011), healing can take place in a warm and compassionate relationship. Remember you are comforting the person by being there and by showing the person that she/he has been heard.  Refer a person for counselling if and as needed. Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved:  Statements that begin with “You should!” or “You will ...” are too direct. Avoid judgments and evaluations. Instead, you could say: “Have you thought about …?”  “This is behind you now!” “It is time to get on with your life!” Each person moves on, at his/her own pace and might feel it means “forgetting” the loved one.  “Look at what you have to be grateful for!” They know they have things to be grateful for, but right now these are not important.